There is nothing like a good ole' fashioned cheesy love song to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside as you puke your guts out from all the romantic delusions that spew from the darkest hole of hell of bad lyrics and craptastic music. Here are 15 of the Cheesiest Love Songs of All Time - I would’ve added more except by the 15th song I had already stabbed both my eyes out with a dull ice pick, poked both ear drums out with a rusty needle and threw myself off a cliff, whimpering and shivering like a soggy overcooked piece of broccoli drowned in a flood of Cheez Whiz. There is love and then there is the tormented abyss from which there is no return. Just try and watch all the videos in one sitting. I dare you and may these songs be final proof that love absolutely stinks – like cheese! -----------------
#15 - Lady In Red – Chris De Burgh
This is the national anthem for men everywhere who finally decided to dislodge their heads out of their asses and take some time to notice the women they were with. Woo hoo no hero cookie for you, because you should’ve been paying attention to her all along so that this guy wouldn’t have anything to sing about! Chris De Burgh really tries to outdo himself here – with smoke on the stage, audience with lighters being waved and for some odd reason there are newlyweds in the crowd in full wedding regalia. (Witness the unleashing of the cheese at the 2:15 mark.)
#14 – Sometimes When We Touch – Dan Hill
From the very moment Dan sings “You ask me if I love you / and I choke on my reply…” this song secures itself as the sacred song for douchebags everywhere. The douchebag being the one who’d “Rather hurt you honestly / then mislead you with a lie…” Translation: He only wants to have a one night stand with you, but he’s too much of a pussy to say it to your face, so he’ll sing it in this cheesy song and try it make it romantic for you because that’s how badly he wants to get into yours and anybody else’s pants.”
#13 – Hello – Lionel Richie
Lionel, Lionel, Lionel – you usually are the man of smooth grooves, so why did you create this horrible video cheese fest of dramatical love? It’s scarily uncanny how identical your hairstyles with all the other characters are. It’s truly mesmerizing. Perhaps this was more of a narcissistic ballad to yourself? Because the girl who’s your love interest in the video looks just like you and of course there’s that creepy statue at the end of the video (see the ultimate cheese at the 4:38 mark).
#12 – The Rose – Bette Midler
This is the song for people everywhere who want to slit their wrists after yet another failed relationship. Her hair and costume look pretty good in the video too. She looks like a classier version of cracked-out, crack-whore Courtney Love. Bette says “Love, it is a flower / and you it’s only seed…” I say “Love sucks balls / until you choke.”
#11 – (You’re) Having My Baby – Paul Anka
Nothing to say here, just shuddering from the cheesy. From the outfit to the part where he professes “Whoa, the seed inside ya / Baby, do you feel it growin’”…Yes, the seed is growin’ – the alien seed that’s going to rip out of her chest and eat his face off just to shut him up.
#10 – You Don’t Bring Me Flowers – Neil Diamond & Barbara Streisand
This song could be absolute proof of the inevitable death of romantic love. I say could, because the video could have been a lot better with Neil and Barbara really getting into character and killing each other on stage to end everyone’s misery.
#9 – Could’ve Been – Tiffany
This is just bad all around. Bad voice, bad video, bad love. Coulda, shoulda, woulda just been better if this song was never written at all! This song is so bad that it is at this point in the article that the hair pulling and crazies begin. There is no hope for humanity when cheese like this is produced for no apparent reason other than to spread torture and pain. TURN DOWN THE SUCK!
#8 – Lost In Your Eyes – Debbie Gibson
Watch this crap first and then go to #7. Do not pass “Go”. Do not “Collect $200”. Just bring that dull ice pick to stab your eyes after this cheese fest double combo.
#7 – Foolish Beat – Debbie Gibson
For some stupid reason she uses the same douchey looking male model for both songs! And if that’s not bad enough, it looks like she was trying to demonstrate some before and after the love crap. Two stupidly cheesy videos and 2 stupidly cheesy love songs equals one huge EPIC FAIL!
#6 – You Are So Beautiful – Joe Cocker
Has anyone ever noticed how this entire song has 6 words in it that are sung over and over again until you just want to punch someone in the face?
#5 – Can’t Smile Without You – Barry Mannilow
The only reason this song made me laugh was because someone on Youtube asked if this was a song about a man singing to his dentures. HA.
#4 – Said I Loved You But I Lied – Michael Bolton
Here’s Bolton (aka. “no-talent ass-clown”) at his best, rockin’ his cowboy Fabio hair and halfway buttoned-down shirt showing off his spray on chest hairs in the wind, acting like he’s loving like he’s never loved before. Oh yeah, there’s also horses, eagles, rolling clouds and flames. Dude means business when it comes to cheesy love.
#3 – My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion
She’s the reigning and absolutely supreme Queen of the Cheese. This is Celine at her best in the heyday of her chest pumping passion. (Huge chest pump to the cheese comes at the 2:22 mark.) There’s no denying she’s got one of the most beautiful voices in the world, but why does she have to make herself look like such a douchebag when she sings?
#2 – Feelings – Morris Albert
“Feelings… / Nothing more than feelings”? Uh…yeah, I feel like I hate this song - really, really badly.
#1 – She’s Like The Wind – Patrick Swayze
Your big winner of cheese is the Swayziest of them all, the King of dance and swooning, pathetic women everywhere. From the moment he croons “She’s like the wind through my tree…” you just know you’re in for a big sweet treat of that little bit of vomit that just came up in your mouth. So there you have it, all 15 of the Cheesiest Love Songs of All Time. If you survived the love fest, it means there’s something very wrong with you! The End.
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